*~*
We all want love in our lives. Be it whatever your situation is, we all want love. I wasn't any less. I wanted love beyond anything. I was well educated, had ambitions, and knew what I wanted to be. I had almost everything a girl could ask for. The only thing I was missing was love. ... But it wasn't long until it came into my life.
I had indeed met someone, and after spending some time together, I knew I was in love. ... Aditya... that's his name. He loved me and I loved him. We met in college and it seemed like we were meant to be. Our professors would assign us projects together, which meant going to places together, even to each other's homes. I brought him over sometimes, but my father didn't like it so much. So we mostly went to his place instead.
His mother was really kind. She always loved me and when she found out that we were together, she was beyond happy. At that point, she wanted to make me her daughter in-law. Of course, I shied away, blushing like crazy, but she was overjoyed. Adi liked it as well, even his sister Avantika, and his father had even approved of me ... he had even made me his own daughter.
But when I went to my parents about it, I ended up getting a slap. My mother was mad but my father was beyond furious. He said how just because I was able to get almost everything I ever asked for, didn't mean I could get whatever I asked for all the time. I fought back, saying it made no sense, but he paid no attention to me. Instead he fixed my marriage to someone else, someone he had already promised that I would get married to, that I had no idea about.
After that, all I could think of was how my world was falling apart. I had so many dreams of me and him getting married, but instead I would be getting married to an unknown person. But what about my dreams? The dreams of him and me together for as long as we lived? Of our little home with our little family with the huge amount of love we shared. ... Nothing. ... No one even cared.
I broke my contact with Adi, unable to bare that pain. But Adi found out from one of my friends about the wedding and he came barging into our home. It was the day of the wedding, the morning. My father was beyond mad and Aditya tried to defend me, saying how my father was doing wrong by forcing me into the marriage. Of course I agreed, but with the temper of my father, I knew he would go extreme... and he did. He had grabbed his gone and before he could even do anything, I went running down and ran in front of Aditya. ... I still distinctly remembered what I said to Babuji.
"If you kill him, then aapko meri kasam, I'll kill myself too."
That's what I had said.
Babuji had put his gun down and I made Aditya leave. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. He told me that he loved me and didn't leave until giving me one last, long, blissful kiss. My mother and father were about to burst but I made Adi leave quickly.
I thought doing this would make my parents realized... but it didn't.
Instead, after I had gotten ready, my father had called me to his room... and made me agree to something that I was never able to forgive myself, not even to this day.
"Kinjal, you have to marry Karan no matter what... or else I'll have my men kill Aditya."
I felt the world spin around me. Babuji's men came in, holding onto Aditya, him beaten up really badly. I tried to go over to him, but Babuji's men pointed their guns at Adi.
"Also," Babuji continued, "you can never divorce him, nor ever meet him in this lifetime. Tujhe meri kasam."
I only agreed for the good of Adi and then I was taken down to the mandap.
It was the first time I had ever seen or even met Karan. I will admit this that I did think he was cute, but not even near to my Aditya. We made our rounds, but I didn't consider them as vows. From a far distance, they were making Aditya see everything. It made my heart want to burst, but what could I do? When I felt my parting get filled, it was like as if my life had been sucked away and I was just a living corpse.
... I was now officially a married person. ... Married to someone who I barely even knew. ... I still remember Aditya chasing after us as I left for my in-laws. ... That was the last time I had ever saw him.
When I got to my in-laws, I was scared. If that man had dared to try to make a move on me, I would kill him that instant. I didn't care about anything at that point. I could only think of how my world had been torn apart. ... But Karan never did that. He understood I wasn't happy with the marriage, and nor had I even wanted all of this.
... Four years had passed that we were married. ... People had started talking about us. They were all curious as to why, after four years of marriage, why we hadn't even had a child yet. Even Babuji was starting to request for a grandchild. It was when he did that I snapped back at him and yelled at him. I even remember what I said to him.
"A child? How dare you?! You're asking of a grandchild?! You want me to give away my body to a man I don't love just to give you what you want?! ... No... I won't do that, at least, not for your needs! ... I've already done one thing for you, sacrificing my life just to let you get me married to Karan just so that you could make money out of this!!! I gave my love away because of you and now you expect me to sell my body away?! NEVER!!!"
A year passed after that and I was beyond lonely. At times, it would feel like that the walls around me were caving in. I couldn't breathe and I needed out! At almost the end of our fifth year of marriage, I had come up with my decision and decided I would have a baby. ... I was ready to give my body away.
I remember Karan being in shock when I asked him. That day, he had come home from work and had just sat down, loosening his tie. I came in to give him a glass of water, handed it to him and told him "I want a child." He sputtered water out and looked at me shock. I kept a serious face on and told him again that I wanted a child. ... That sweet man. He had asked me if I was sure and knew what I was asking for. ... Of course I did... and I needed someone to love and someone to love me back... otherwise I'd just end up crumbling, letting the walls squeeze me to bits.
... That night was the first night I had ever let him touch me, let alone let any man ever touch me. ... Instead of feeling passion and love, I felt emptiness. Even more of my life was being sucked away from me.. but I understood I was bound to feel this way. I asked for this and I knew the conditions. But I knew 9 months from then all of it would be worth it, that is, if everything worked out. ... But that didn't help my heart. ... I remember having tears flowing while we did it. ... Karan was sweet enough to kiss the tears away, but the real wound could never be healed. ... I remember lying back in bed, dried tears on my cheeks, thinking about Aditya. It had been five years that I had seen him. I couldn't help but wonder how he looked. Had he changed? Has he gotten old looking? Maybe not, since it only had been five years. Did he get married? Did he have kids?
Few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant. I was happy. I was happy not only because I would have a child soon, but also because I wouldn't have to give my body away again. And then after nine months, I was granted with a sweet, adorable little baby girl. At that minute, I decided that from that day forward, I would live only for my baby girl. Be it whatever the sickness that comes to face me, I will only live for my baby... the only person I had.
... Khushi, the reason why I'm writing these things down is only for you to understand me. Ever since you started to come of age, you started to understand the distance between me and Karan. ... And I know that you hate me, but I don't mind. These kinds of things happen between mothers and daughters ... I don't mind. But I hope you understand me better now. I hope you understand this soulless, living-corpse mother of yours. I hope you understand that I never did, do, or ever will love Karan. To me, he is just my husband, not life partner. To me, he is just your father, and nothing else. Please understand this heart and brain of your mother's.
... And if you don't, then I'll just say this: if you ever fall in love with someone, don't ever let anyone separate him from you. Be it whatever the conditions; DON'T let ANYONE separate him from you. I made the mistake of choosing my father over Aditya and I'm still alive, dealing with the pain every living second. Truth be told, I'd rather let the old man be damned than anything now.
Anyways, instead of me letting my anger out, I'll continue with what I was saying. Don't let anyone separate you from the one that you love. If that happens, then you'll regret everything for the rest of your life. ... please understand me Khushi. Please do. ... Don't hate me.
Your mother,
Kinjal
*~*
"I'm sorry Amma," she wailed. "I'm really sorry!"
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